Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
