Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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