there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
That was before I lit my hair on fire
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
