I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
