Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
