Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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