1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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