i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
