Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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