where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
