Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
