just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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