I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
