I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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