Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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