Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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