Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
