She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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