well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
there is puke in my bra ... again
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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