I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
