My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
