update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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