Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
