I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
