Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
