Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
