True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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