You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
