I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
