I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I AM VODKA MAN
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
