You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
