I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
