She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
