Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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