She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my shit smells like andre
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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