U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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