I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
