the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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