Screwed.edu
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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