My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
