Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
