I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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