please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
