p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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