Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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