K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
