we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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