I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
