I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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