I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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